Confussions Of A Screwy Mind

I lack in character judgement. My reaction is more logic based and preprogrammed to actions than feelings. I have checked.. and I am insensitive to emotions and feelings around me. I build a wall around myself though. Why do I do that? hmm... I think there's a few reasons. Although I wouldn't mind it if some of you, whomever you are, care to share your opinions of what they are, or what kind of person I am. I just need to have some reflection of myself from other people. I need to change, you see. I've got things about me that is not in my or others best interest. I would like to clear out the cobwebs of issues in my head. tackle the problems and solving them. There was once a time i could finish a slew of assignments/homework like nobody's business. Then I grew 'fat' and slow... I can't damn well finish a sentence properly. Self reflection is great and all.. but I don't have a clue what the surrounding thinks of me, or how they react with me and near me. I know I piss off a few guys the minute I'm in their vicinity. That includes you apek... Then, there's the few that get meluat with me, also a large and popular group. And I guess by far, the biggest group, is the one that's indifferent to me. but in whatever group you are. If you have a comment about me that needs to be shared, by all means.. please share them.

On the whole, I've got issues that I want to tackle. I sure appreciate some input. And what I want in the end is to be a better person. This time around though, I want to be a better person, specifically to one lady. I want to make her love me more than she ever had. And I know it's no walk in the park.

CiAO!

FIGHT!

Imagine this... I'm fighting with a guy on the net thru my girlfriends friendster site. Oh, and obviously we're fighting for her la. I mean.. This guy's a real coward. Comes out of nowhere, doesn't respect that I'm around. I mean, yes.. we do have problems, but it's is just downright shameful to not step up to me and tell me,"hey, you're doing a crap job, and I'm here to try and win her". Got backbone or not? We leave her out of this, and my problems with her out of this la. You think you better than me, prove it la. Prove it to me. Go behind my back, what for?

Ntah la.. stupid gak actually. But then again.. I'm riled up here. I just got my baby back.. and this wise-ass of a guy is just getting on my nerves.. what is he up to? what does he want? konon tak nak cuba lak.. piirah.. tulis banyak2 testi tu pesal? saja.. nak buang masa eh? Bapak banyak duit ke? tak keje... come to think of it.. do i have that much money pun? tak gak... oh well.. at least my anger is satisfied.

Caution: Insecure F**k-Head On The Loose!

I've summed up a few things up to this point. I think I've even repeated myself the last few days.
1) I'm not a good liar.
2) I'm not good at controlling my emotions.
3) I've got issues to sort out within me.
4) I love my girl.. I love her so much I'd bend time and space for her.
5) I'd be darned if my love leaves me again. I'd consider suicide.
6) Happiness is an elusive feeling that needs to be cherished. Last nite/early this morning, I had truck loads worth of happiness poured on me.
7) Knowing what she's done/sacrificed for me, I want to provide her the same kind of happiness and state of bliss that has been given to me.
8) I'd do everything in my power to stay with her. God help me.

Slashdot: News for nerds, stuff that matters (geek news)

Slashdot: News for nerds, stuff that matters

THis site is what I read almost religiously everyday. It's basically a blog site with any and every news about technology and anything that's related. Takes a bit of your time though if you go through every single article in it.

Anyways... today.. sigh.. today.. aaaaarggh... well.. other than spending an enormous time just fooling around with my laptop, I was moping.. Heck.. I think I've had enought of this la. I don't want to get hurt, but I also don't want to hurt 'her'. I figured out that we just need time. Time to heal. Time to just let the dust settle. I think hurting is just a natural process. I just need to ride the wave until the waters calm....

Knowing that she'll read this, I just hope that she also is riding the storm well. And I wish her no ill or harm. Just that she take her time to think things through and not let emotions control her judgement sometimes...

deviantART: Browse deviantART

deviantART: Browse deviantART

This is where I get my artwork for dock icons, and backgrounds.. some cool shit can be found on this site.

By the way.. it hurts... it really really hurts..
I've downloaded and am listening to sheila on 7's berhenti berharap...

This Just In

I'm moving through a hazy situation right now. I think clarity is key in my life, but I'm having trouble being in that state. Life around me stinks. I'm super sad, but i'm having trouble showing how I feel the the right people. I mope.. I like to mope... sigh.. oh heck.. whatever.. ces't la vie

I lost..

No amount of crying will help. No amount of pleading will bring her back. I hate to be an agent of dramatics, but I've lost her... She will be gone from me soon. Says a good 'friend' of mine cousin.. Life goes on.. I guess it does.. But it's not as sweet.. Not as as clear.. I try to breath in the sweetness of her presence... and it's gone.. for I am my own bringer of pain. For I am only denying what is true.. I am not made for love.. I am only made for pain..

I fight for love.

I want to confess something. I want to confess that I've hurt my partner emotionally and mentally. I've abused her feelings. And I have will not defend myself for what I did. I deserve every single type of punishment every invented by man. I ask this because, as much as I have sinned/wronged her. I don't want her to go away. I want her to stay. I just ask for some time. I just want to have a chance to work things out. Even if it didn't work out, I don't want her to go away. I treasure her company. So how? How am I suppose to persuade her to stay? Everything reminds her of me, and it's painful. And I hate myself for letting that happen. But I cannot live without her presence. I cannot breath without her nearby. I live a hollow life if she is not around me. Sayang... don't go. I have no one else to live for.

Fudge It.. Now I'm Sad..

I feel sad.. I feel lost.. I feel inept.. I feel useless.. This world is insane. I am not able for this world. I am not able to handle things of this world. And especially, I am not able to love and make the person I truly love the most feel most loved and understood. I cannot. I just cannot. I don't know why. I just seem to make all the silly mistakes all the time. What is wrong with me? Is my brain wired differently? Why can't I be the everything to the one that I love? I want to be the perfect thing to her. Never to cause harm, or concern in her. WHY?!? WHY!!!!!! Aku tau aku bodoh. Tak pandai nak jaga hati orang. Tak pandai nak melayan orang. Tak pandai banyak serba serbi. Dah la bodoh sombong. It's sickening sometimes being me. I hate myself. Just let me be....

Crazy Cuckoo

Pain, depression, helplessness... sadness... frustration... anger?.. maybe... I got all sorts of feelings inside of me. Emotions stated within are all negative. I have no liking for negative emotions at this current state of being. I'm tired of it. But I'm carrying them. I can't lash out, as this is one of those fragile times in my life. What I say or do could destroy something I rather treasure.... But how insanely ironic, and somewhat warped that the thing that is causing these tidal waves of emotions is also the thing that could, with a single word make you wanna kill yourself. Susahnyer hidup macam orang biase. Why can't I just be an appliance ke, a fridge ke, or even a computer. Something inhuman. Something that doesn't need to share affections, nor feel it. I think i'm well suited for that. I just seem to hurt, or feel hurt the minute I get up from bed, right til I go back to sleep. This is not funny. This hurts. Oh and don't forget that I still hate myself for causing all of this things to happen. And dulu takpe sangat, since I hurt myself the most. But nowadays, I tend to hurt other people as well. Hell... not only do i hurt them.. I DON'T KNOW THAT I HURT THEM!!! FUDGE!! (it should end with a 'CK' actually). Maybe I should leave. Maybe I am not the one. I know there's at least half a world of men who could be better than me right now.
I mean.. I don't know.. Today I don't feel very happy. Dah la I got a frigging headache. And then I thought I said something right. but apparently I said something wrong. I can't read bloody minds. Ok... so I preceded to do something nice.. but apparently it backfired. Now... now I don't what the now situation is like. I honestly don't know what the other party feels like. I'm betting she's hurting, but she won't tell me. I do know That I feel like shit. I was going to go and buy someone her much wanted book.. Skarang dah tawar hati.. Mebbe tomorrow. ... tah la.. tah la.... tak tau.. tak tau.. tak tau.. aku tulis ni pun memang nak mampos. I might as well just throw away the last 4-5 months of my life down the drain. Crap.. then I miss her.. then I know I love her.. then how? Go back crying to her.. begging her.. stupid la.. stupid.. stupid... I think too much. I wish I was a toaster.... At least all they don't hurt other people's feelings.

Confessions Of A Screwy Mind

I Want My Bebe To Read My Blog
Note that this is only meant for my Bebe. Everybody else may read it, but I doubt they'd appareciat it. I just want to tell her that I want her to read my blogs. Maybe I can relate myself better in my writings. So please dear... please read what I write. As meager as my writing is compared to your, I thought I just share it anyways. Goodness knows how much I love you.. Stay with me eh? please? stay.. please..