Michelle Branch's If Only She Knew.

In the lyrics theres a few lines about still
not being over someone, and don't think it's
over. Well.. That pretty much got me thinking,
at 1.40am about me not being over that certain
someone. I'm not going to fully recover from
this. That much I know for certain. What I
believe should happen now is, I must go on with
my life.

I am a creature that wants to love and to be
loved. I want to meet a girl and fall in love.
What I fear is, I will again break someones
heart, and ultimately, my heart too. So, I
decided to be single. Put myself on the shelf
in the back. Previously, I thought, that I had
a long enough break, and should start going
out again. Now, I think I shouldn't. It still
might turn out badly. I don't want to bring
false hopes to anyone.

But then, in my previous relationships, I wasn't
fully aware of the condition of my heart.
And now that I know, maybe I'll be more
sensitive of my surroundings, especially the
person near me? I mean, if I shut myself out,
would I be able to meet the right person?
If I don't either, will I still find the right
gal?

Inner peace is important. Faith. Belief in
that every instance has a reason for happening.
Is that an answer I formulate in my head for
my own satisfaction, or for me to show a
facade of satisfaction? I know the real answer
is, there is no concrete answer. My actions,
reactions, and comprehension of events in my
life will eventually lead to many other events
which, hopefully will fulfill this want. But
maybe I'm not suppose to have that satisfaction.
Fate might not allow me this, for in it lies
a reason that is more important. Maybe...
Whatever it is, ultimately, I guess, I must
have belief in fate, an inner peace that my
life events will bring some sort of betterment
somewhere.. even if it's not for me. Whatever
it is, I shouldn't let that cloud my actions
should a situation arise, as my choices are
shaped by fate, and what I need to do is,
understand why I chose that path.

What a time to go philosophical.. What I need
is sleep... and inner peace.. :)

I pray to god, that even though i'll never
see Shuhada again, that she is safe and happy
now without my presence. And that everyday,
my pain will lessen.

later.

A few gripes before I go to bed

I meant to write on this blog because I wanted to release feelings and
emotions on something, and not complain it out to people. I wanted
to use this outlet to relieve some pressure on the head, and not bother
people with stupid stories of my peeves with people, and situations,
which, I normally do. A LOT!

I sure do hope it is working, cause I want to talk about a certain person
that has been bothering me. Not by a personal manner, really. But
he has been causing me some frustrations regarding work. Let's
just start with something simple. It's not really work, but it is slightly
work related. So, this colleague of mine had to be temporarily moved
to our location, from KL. No negative reasons for the transfer, it was
actually to balance the workload that we have here. So, he's been
working in the company a couple of years more than me now, if I'm
not mistaken. Doing pretty much the same thing I've been doing
here. Well.. so he moved here.. with his family. And during the first
week in Miri, I was in KL for a course. So, I thought, as good
gesture, why don't I let him borrow my car for that week, so he
can work more comfortably, and have time for his family. Not a few
days from borrowing my car, he start cracking some stupid joke about
my car being a shit ass car, and it's starting to fall apart. Thanks mate.
but that's not exactly what I consider kinds words, even if it is a shit
ass car. And to put salt to injury, knowing that I'd come back on
monday, I would think that he'd try and clean up my car a bit, cause
as it would have it, my friends toddler made a little mess. Not even
a single effort. In fact, he didn't even say thank you or apologize
for whatever mess was in the car. Thinking I'd appreciate a little
ridicule from him AND messing up my car like that., I guess.

Anyways.. I'm tired of writing a long essay… What I want to say
regarding this guys and work. I hate his attitude towards work.
he doesn't prepare for work. He doesn't write any reports. He
doesn't tell people what he did when he tried to help a client. All he
thinks about is to make money to cover his debt, and his wife
who might be pregnant with a second child. Oh, so is he worried
about it, to the point that he doesn't even realize the kind of
screw up he is digging himself into, despite the little advice I'm
trying to pass to him. Maybe he's annoyed that a young lad
like me is trying to show a "seasoned" guy like him the ropes.
well trust me, I wouldn't bother if I didn't have to. And all I'm
doing is to show him what/who to watch out for when dealing
with our clients… to make him acclimate faster.. Thought it'd
be a good gesture, plus it's to put him up to speed. Well, I'm not
gonna bother anymore. In fact, I will, within professional reason,
refuse every request that he wants of me. Partly to piss him off a bit,
but mostly to not let myself be bothered by him. Although it's gonna
be virtually impossible, as we're supposed to be working side by side.
and I really wanted to learn from him stuff that doesn't happen on
this part of the world. Give him some respect, even. But I guess that'll
be a dream la… sekadar mimpi dalam mimpi..

Now, I have to go to Brunei on Sunday. There's just a lot of shit that
needs to be done, and I really hate it to leave it in his hands. Not
because I won't get credit for it or anything.. Just by the virtue that,
he probably will screw it up, or not do it at all. At least that's my
fear la. I hope it doesn't turn out that way… Goodness.. I really don't
like him…

Well.. actually.. should I have known him as a person.. takpe la..
I find him amusing. But I know him as a workmate, and that is
hampering on my work performance. Not to mention our service
performance. Entah la… Pete.. I sure hope I'm wrong. I really
hope I'm just a snot nosed kid who thinks too highly of himself.
and that the guy actually can do everything… let my pessimistic
view of this guy just be a view.. and not something that's gonna
turn our efforts into shit… sigh.. please oh please..

Okay.. it's been an hour of writing two blogs.. I really need sleep..

Later..

Impressing Girls with Cooking

Heh.. don't know if this will work.. but it seems a certain girl likes pies.
So far, my skills at making pies have successfully been done on apple
pies and chicken pot pie. The latter one with the help of my mom. I
think it is imperative that I master this skill should I want to seriously
consider a closer relationship with the girl. I do have ample time though
to improve my skill. And since I have an oven at home, it shouldn't be a
problem. :)

I seems that my cooking ability might surface again now that I have a
more solid group of friends in Miri. I'm considering having meals at my
place once a month, minimum. Try and improve my rusty ability with the
pan and fire. And at the same time, make my house a more homely
environment.

Well all this will be thought out after when I come back lah. Maybe do a
bbq when I come back from Brunei.. That would be June... which is
next month.. heheh..

Oh yeah.. don't get me wrong. I don't cook to impress girls. Well,
maybe sometimes I do. But mostly, I do it cause I'm hungry, and I don't
like what they have out there... hehehe.. AND, cause I just like to
cook.. What a crazy concept...

Okay.. have to pick up cilot and send him to the bus station...

later..

Cheesecake!

Last time i baked this desert was at Mimi's house in Ann Arbor. Tu 2nd
year tu.. after that.. zero.. But I have to admit.. I kinda liked it. Baking
it I mean.. makan tu.. obviously la.

Anyways.. I'm cooking spaghetti and baking cheesecake tonight.. Don't
ask me why.. suddenly felt like cooking something.. hopefully
someone'll clean up.. heheh..

Going to Brunei this Sunday.. The long awaited project is looming
closer.. Tapi rasa stress gak kena tinggalkan some stuff hanging in
Miri before I go. Even ada orang taking care of things on this end pun.

Actually kan... it's been close to a week tak tulis citer ek? Patut la Jimi
tertanya2 if something's wrong with me... Sibuk gak la ni.. tu la.. but
i'll tell stories of my life when i can.

I'm almost healed from my no dating girls syndrome.. Taking it slowly
la.. Tapi sayangnyer, masih belum ada yang hati teringin nak date with.
well.. maybe some la.. but they're not even within driving distance.. heh.

okay.. so.. a friend from KL is in Miri right now.. with his girl.. visiting
Mulu... and to some extent.. myself gak la.. heh..

Too many things to tell plak.. tapi takde time.. need to go home and
start baking and cooking..

maybe tomorrow.. btw.. esok wesak holidays.. sigh.. so many holidays
but so much work.. gile pening.. :P

later!